In my last posting I talked about what it’s like to be a Saturn-ruled gal, used to doing, getting stuff accomplished, manifesting, and then suddenly be struck with the paralysis of inaction and doubt. I said that Saturn is the god of Time and Karma, that he rewards you if you do the hard work. Well, folks, hard work is exactly what I’ve been doing. How did I come from depression and inability to move forward to working from early morning until midnight on various projects? I’ll tell you, but first, I have to digress just a bit.
You know how every stereotype has a grain of truth in it? Maybe a tiny grain that’s been outrageously exaggerated, but there nonetheless. The same can be true for really trite situations and results. For instance, how many times have you been advised to follow your bliss, and to surrender to higher powers (whatever you might call them/it) to get what you want? It’s been around so long, in so many different forms and formats, that it’s just plain trite to hear it. And I personally always wondered just how one goes about surrendering. I don’t have a lot of warrior energy in my chart, but I do need to be in control, and the very word “surrender” just turns me off. Where’s the empowerment in that?
So, back to the conundrum of needing and wanting to control my life, of being willing to work really hard to do so, and feeling totally unable to move during a Saturn square Sun transit. I said that everyone goes through these transits, and that it was hard work that would get you through it. Well, what do you do if you can’t work hard? That’s where I was at, knowing I needed to work hard, but unable to do it. It’s bad for some folks to lose the ability to move forward, but think about what it’s like for those of us whose entire lives are built around our work, our projects, our getting out there and doing stuff. The very god that gives me that gift of perseverance and tenacity, of step-by-step planning and visions of structure was the one that was striking me still.
I got to a point where I could only pray. And because I had no vision of the future, no idea of who I was going to be or how I was going to make it, and me, happen, all I could do was pray for the one thing I did know that I wanted: to do Astrology. I didn’t know what form that might take—doing readings, writing books, teaching classes, whatever—but I did know that I wanted my day to revolve around Astrology. Not around doing work for someone else, not around technical issues in corporate scenes, just around Astrology. So I surrendered any ideas I might have of how that could happen. I let go of trying to picture it, to come up with specific wishes, to imagine different scenes with myself at the successful center. All I wanted was to be able to move again, to do something, and have that something be Astrology.
It really did feel like surrender, too, in all the ways I’d thought about it. It wasn’t pleasant. All the trite stuff about the freedom you get from giving in to a higher power didn’t feel good to me. It’s not in my nature to be the follower, the uke (faller) in the martial arts practice. I usually lead, I’m the nage (thrower), the one in control, especially when it comes to my own identity.
To give that up, to bow on my knees and say “Okay, I’m ready. Whatever needs to happen, I’m ready, just let it happen in the world of Astrology and I’ll go with it. I’ll follow your vision, your plan for me, just please, make it happen,” that was tough. Maybe the toughest thing I’ve ever done.
And then, just as I mentioned, the energies began to shift. Suddenly, I realized I was looking at new opportunities. And voila! They were opportunities to do Astrology. Multiple, different, new ways of doing things, of spending my time and energy, and they were all revolving around Astrology. I’d done what I considered to be two trite things: I’d surrendered to higher powers, and I’d followed my heart. To my immense relief, and to be honest, utter astonishment, both of those things worked.
In the next posting, I’ll go into the new projects that have come out of this intense transition. You’ll see that from darkness, depression and doubt, I’ve come into a new light, one that I’m spreading as far as I can. And oh, does it feel so good to be working again, to be doing exactly what Sensei Saturn requires. I got up from my bow, and I’m on the mat. It’s my lifetime black belt test, and I’m dancing my way through it.
So if you’re feeling the crushing pressure of having to change who you are and how you move through the world, may my story help you. Most of all, may it help you realize that those trite, self-help ideas of surrender and following your heart actually can work. They can work for you. You, a normal person, who isn’t a famous life coach or therapist, just a normal person going through a life transformation. So when you’re ready, give it up, and follow your bliss, and go for what you truly desire.